Random List One: Stuff In My Crumpler

I was complaining yesterday that my Crumpler (er, a wanky brand of over-the-shoulder bicycle courier bags which I use when I'm commuting. Wanky, but very good) was far too heavy and my shoulder was aching.

Turns out there was a reason - it was STUFFED TO THE GILLS with, er, stuff. Here's a complete list of all the crap I was carrying around:

• Woolen "The Greens" beanie


• Pair of fingerless gloves


• Wild Berry flavour Extra drops


• 600 ml aluminium water bottle


• Prescription sunglasses


• Three cds – "Border Protection Policy" by Undecisive God, "Special Ballarat Tour Souvenir" by Y35.3 and "Dot Matrix" by Sue Harding, all purchased at Synesthesia when I swore blind I wasn't going to spend any more money...


• TV-B-Gone in box. Hooray for TV Turn Off Week!


• Chewy Caramel low carb chocolate bar


• Six piece precision screw driver set


• Oxfam shop chai mixture


• Notepad


• Two black kilometrico biros


• Half chewed packet wrigley’s bubble gum


• Empty 35mm film container


• Orange highlighter


• Rubber band


• Three empty Duracell battery packets


• One "Hacker" patch from Think Geek which fell off my bag yesterday.


• Deodorant, an el cheapo brand I picked up from the chemist across the road from work one day when I forgot to do my under arms one morning. Stinky!


• Derma-aid cream, an anti-rash cream (don't ask).


• Umbrella, black in case


• Three train timetables – two for epping, one for hurstbridge


• Three tram timetables – two for 86, one for the 112


• One Melbourne public transport map


• Small coloured in drawing of Toni Collette (don't ask about this one either!)


• Melbourne International Comedy Festival guide


• Receipt from Japanese restaurant


• One large hardback novel – "The System of The World" by Neal Stephenson. Probably accounts for half the weight of said bag!


• Lens cleaner


• Misc flyers form the comedy festival


• Three postcards


• Receipt from Melbourne Zoo


• Remains of a badge


• Amcal brand cold & flu tablets


• One gig USB drive in film canister


• Stickers for Culture Jamming


• Three glass cleaning cloths


• Two more TV-B-Gone's, not in original packaging


• 256 meg USB drive


• Portable radio


• Lip-balm


• Someone else's shopping list which I found in a basket at the local Coles


• Two AAA batteries in their package


• MP3 Player

You too can play along at home - simply empty the contents of your bag on to the floor and list it here on Livejournal! Preferably a bag which has become bloated with months worth of crap.

I'm going to put about a third of this crap back into the bag now...

Thanks to evildoom_bunny for helping put together this list.

Review: The Inaugral Golden Guy Fawkes Award.

The Inaugural Golden Guy Fawkes Award (For the Comedian Most Likely to Blow Up Parliament). One Show only, April 24th 2006.

There's nothing a comedian likes more than to poke fun at our government. Well, a certain kind of comedian away. This has got somewhat more interesting of late with the enactment of the new Sedition laws – technically, certain kinds of incitement, even ridicule, could get you looked up.

On the eve of Anzac day, a large number of That Kind of comedian gathered for the Inaugural Golden Guy Fawkes Award, in the appropriate venue of the Old Melbourne Jail. Indeed, the stage was set up only a few metres from the infamous scaffold where a certain Ned Kelly was hung back in the late eighteen hundreds.

And a certain kind of audience gathered there too, between the tiny cells and the death masks. Mostly over 35 and Age readers – there was a brief show of hands. Probably a lot of owners of Bill Hicks albums, and people who remember "Australia, You’re Standing In it". No one owned up to being an ASIO agent, however.

The performers were the Usual Suspects, including as host Rod Quantock. In fact, it was like a mini showcase of the most political of the local comedians here for the Comedy festival.

The evening started with a surprise musical intro from one of the judges, none other than Paul Kelly. He introduced the number saying no one could judge him but God! The other judges were the far more worldy Fiona Scott Norman and Julian Burnside, an actual lawyer.

The first half included Corinne Grant ("Image if they bombed the Docklands? Think of all the people living there! The death toll could be as high as four!"), Gerard McCulloch ("I know how to keep this secret – I've written it all on a memo and left it on the Prime Minister's desk.") Andrew Horabin from WA, who did a very clever call of "the Human Rights Cup", Wil Anderson, who was manic and very funny but not especially seditious, and Greg Fleet ("John Howard's opened his mouth very wide to receive the big cock of death!").

The second half had Wendy Little, Eddie Perfect, who looked a bit lost doing straight stand up instead of his usual excellent political cabaret, Duff ("Life's like a melted penguin – all shades of grey.")

The last act for the evening was Joe "Ah, shutapa your face" Dolce, who was... Insane. He turned up in an "Aussie Suicide Bomber Belt" made of beer cans. Quoting the Koran, he said "The Inner Jihad is the important one" and scoffing beer announced "I'm going to blow up the inner parliament!" He then performed a song about "Get out of Iraq, Don't Bomb Iran" and finally proceeded to execute a harmonica with a chain saw! Not the usual sort of thing you'd expect to see at a comedy event.

The judges retired to decided who'd incited we the audience best of all, who'd caused the most disrespect for the sovereign and encouraged us all to commit acts of violence. The prize was a lovely laminated certificate, and a bag of fertilizer with which to construct a bomb. And the judging was simple – who'd end up in Jail for the longest for statements made during the night. There were three honorable mentions, all of whom well deserved their 28 years in jail. But the winner, by far, for numerous seditious statements was Greg Fleet, off to jail for a whopping 45 years!

The unique venue, the performers, the whole concept were excellent. There was talk of it becoming an annual event - this years sold out a week before the posters had even arrived. I'm sure they could have had an even larger line up, indeed I'll bet there are a number of overseas comics who'd have fitted the bill. These new laws are scary in their scope, and it is now technically legally possible for a comedian or performer to be locked up for the things they say on stage. The laws allow some discretion on the part of the enforcers, but one day I'm sure a humorless plod will drag someone over the coals. Damn it, we live in suspicious and paranoid times, thank the comedy gods that there are people out there prepared to thumb their noses at absolutely everything. Go see them while you still can, go exercise your freedoms while you still have them, before we are all protected from ourselves.