Send My Conscience Home in a Taxi

Following my musings a few weeks back about what a shit film "The Clone Wars" was, I got to thinking about what the worst film I'd seen actually was.

I did set some criteria - things one rents on video don't count, because one can just hit eject and move on. And films that are noted for being very very bad - such as "Plan 9 From Outer Space" and indeed "Barbarella", both of which I've seen - also don't count. They're so bad they're actually good again.

So, here are some films I have actually coughed up money for, and then had to sit through in the cinema. I've never walked out of a movie, but here are some I wish I had.

One of them was a French film called Queen Margot. I actually can't remember now quite what it was about it that shitted me - although being nearly three hours long certainly didn't endear it to me. I think it was just poorly acted, had not much story, and lots of random violence. There were far too many characters, and it was difficult to know who was who - plus several characters dramatically changed their appearance during the film. So I was left wondering "who the heck is that?". I remember talking to the two people I'd been to see it with afterwards, and we'd all thought of walking out, but didn't!

Lets see. I saw a German film called "Clon" (German for "Clone") in about 2005, which seems to have disappeared without a trace on the internets. Can't find it on IMDB, or the Wikipedia or even in a plain Google search! It was a beautifully produced film, very well shot... and absolute shite. It told the story of a famous pianist who has herself... cloned. Hence the title. The plot was shit, the acting was terrible, and it also dragged on and on and on.

Another film I almost walked out of - Human Nature. Now that I think about it, my then girlfriend actually did walk out of it. This film had a lot going for it, the guys who did "Being John Malkovich" were behind it... Although it might have been "from the producers of..." or "has the same costume designer as..." in order to make some tenuous connection. And it has Tim Robbins in it, plus a few other respectable actors. And it to was terrible. It was supposed to be a comedy, but I don't think I laughed once. Part of the plot involved Tim Robbins' character teaching mice to have manners, there was a man who'd been raised as an ape, and lots of other quality plot points like that. There were about four other people in the cinema when I saw it, and it ran for maybe two weeks before being yanked from the screens.

And finally, to be fair, I should mention an Australian film. The Proposition, written by hometown favourite Nick Cave. And frankly if he hadn't written it, I doubt the film would have been made. The plot, such as it was, seemed to consist of a series of extremely violent episodes which didn't really lead anywhere, or follow each other logically. Or indeed resemble anything like a dramatic plot. It was basically a lot of shooting and a lot of blood. Several quite good actors were wasted in this one as well. Lots of people walked out of the cinema when I was seeing this, almost right up until the end.

There you go. There's at least forty or fifty bucks, and about ten hours of my life I'd like to have back :-)

A few days back, partly at Deb's insistence, I fished out a couple of VHS tapes of stuff I filmed back when I was in Art School - in 1992! There were a number of shots on it of me when I was 20 or 21, back when I had hair and beard. Actually, most of all, I was surprised the tapes played, they haven't been in a video machine in about fifteen years.

A couple of things struck me. Firstly, I don't remember wearing that much jewellery! I had two necklaces on, and various wrist bands and watches etc.

The second thing was in some of the shots of my bedroom. There where three CD's in one shot, all of which I still have. Interestingly, I'd forgotten how long I'd been into Einstrzende Neubauten and Henry Rollins, both of which were sitting there in my room. I was also amazed at some of the other old shit I still have. Parts of the stereo there in my room are sitting behind me as I type. The desk in my room was in this flat until a couple of years ago.

The other thing that struck me was the utter pointlessness of most of the shots on the tape! I watched about 40 minutes of it, and I really can't explain why I bothered filming most of the stuff. The spinning shots of my back garden. The ten minute long shot of the Biro... Nope, no idea what I was thinking.

I did edit together two films that year, both of which are floating around somewhere. One of them features my then-girlfriend in the nuddy, as I recall! Eep... I think the original tape of that is floating around somewhere!

I should get all this stuff dumped to DVD before it deteriorates completely.

Man, LJ has been quiet while jedi_amara is on holiday...

I have a pile (well, a small pile) of things I should be blogging about. Eh.

Went and saw a movie last night, something I'd not done since... November maybe? Whenever the re-re-re-re-release of Blade Runner was showing at the Astor.

My friend Donna from my book group is relocating to Brisvegas indefinitely, so Jeremy, Donna and I went to the Kino last night. Damn it, Tuesday is not cheap night! Afterwards we popped into a rather good Japanese place on Little Bourke, which I go to all the time but now can't name!

We saw something called "Atonement" (Warning, major plot spoilers on that page. In fact, the complete plot!) Best film I've seen in a long time, go see it. There's one particular shot, set on the beach of Dunkirk during the evacuation which was either one brilliant continuous tracking shot for nearly ten minutes, or one very deft use of digital editing to make it look like one.

Looking it up on the Wiki lead me indirectly to this picture:

For reasons which will remain obscure till you see the movie :-)

Dragged myself to the Empress tonight for the first time in Aaaaaages. Damn, I really like that pub. I was going to say love, but there are certain things a Man just doesn't say to a Pub. It's just not wholesome ;-)

Was there for the extremely random Sploge film night. I can report that Sunstruck is shit movie, despite the lead character being played by Harry "Goon Show" Secombe...